Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that Lance has come clean, I guess he's qualified to run for election in the House or Senate..

   I have a confession too Oprah...

   Manti T'eo is guilty...of being the biggest dumbass in the world...

   So Subway's Foot Longs are actually only 11 inches. Hang on while I get my calculator and figure this all out....I've had this many subs over the past several......okay got it...Subway, you owe me a Ten Mile sub.

   FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin

   "Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)

   Matching socks ain't nobody got time for that

   Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to an ugly fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!

   CSI never ceases to amaze me. They are inside and they look all around with flashlights...flick a light on. Now I'm watching and they are outside in broad daylight using their flashlights looking at a puddle of blood.

   Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.

   My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel

   My imaginary friend is dating Manti Teo's ex-imaginary-girlfriend.

   As far as I'm concerned, it was false advertising. When I transferred funds to the seller, I had no idea that I was buying a dog, not a candy factory. Chocolate Lab indeed....

   I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...

   this bottle of scotch will mix well with this evening's decisions