Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wish someone would add me to their grocery list.

   Veni, vidi, illud purgatur Translation. I came, I saw, I Cleaned it up.

   Happy James Earl Ray Day!

   This bottle of vodka doesn’t have a suggested serving size printed on the label, so I’m just gonna assume its just one serving.

   I love that you can pee anywhere you want at Wal Mart.

   If everyday is a gift, I want to know where I can return Mondays.

   I came, I saw, I took a nap.

   having Fiasco perform at a pre-inaugural party sure turned out to be a fiasco!!

   City girls slip and slide, Country girls grip and ride!!

   "Hey guys, its a beautiful day out, lets go talk on the motel balconey." MLK

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements ツ

   I am never too busy to draw a d!k on a foggy window

   I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions

   With women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at... LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff..

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other bi tch!

   never make presumptions about who will get chicken pox...I don't like to blemish my reputation by making rash predictions

   People who feel sorry for themselves never feel sorry for anyone else.

   Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Barry, and Anne Hathaway all portrayed Catwoman without flaunting their buttholes at people even once. Unrealistic.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a pillow fight.

   Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.