Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!

   “Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

   Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...

   I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance

   After some investigating just found out that Manti's girlfriend real name is Fawn Liebowitz!!

   Since Manti Teo's girlfriend didn't exist, I really hope AJ McCarron's girlfriend wasn't a hologram.

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Mr. Drummond dead! What you takin bout Willis???

   What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're husband alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore?

   Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.

   You can forget about me trying to get into your pants, I can barely squeeze into my own!

   Manti..I am a victim too. I watched the National Championship “game”

   You guys can make all your Manti jokes, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that somebody who never existed is dead.

   I'm up to 374 online girlfriends!!

   how are we gonna kill all the zombies if obama takes our guns away.

   The new season of American Idol displays all the calculated, boring insignificance of every season that's preceded it.

   i always said "im so hungry I could eat a horse" but I think i'll pass

   When I burn something in the oven, I just get my guitar out and pretend it's a smoke machine