Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you trying to seduce me? I can tell by the way you didn't vomit when I said hi.

   Relationships are like @nal s ex, it looks so much easier in the movies.

   Well, our relationship didn't work out the first time, maybe the 37th will be the charm. - Couples who are stupid.

   Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   If we are having sex and you say "give me all of it" I'll automatically assume you mean my money.

   I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   I've been practicing making sandwiches with handcuffs on because I like to be prepared.

   Just because you're over sensitive doesn't mean people are mean and offensive. Get a thicker skin and a sense of humour, douchebag.

   So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?

   Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.

   If you’re not getting laid on a regular basis, Facebook is not going to solve the problem. If anything its going to make it worse.

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   The greatest trick Lennay Kekua ever pulled was convincing the world she didn’t exist

   Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.

   taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   The next house I build is gonna be nothing but bathrooms! Just imagine all the fine women that would come over just to take pics!

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.