Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Manti Te'o wasnt missing tackles in the National Championship, he was hugging his girlfriend.

   at least my imaginary girlfriend doesn't nag about all my masterbating...

   I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with "swag" and their duckface girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust.

   Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of unicorn.

   To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   I believe Manti Te'o but it seems like no one else does. I've been arguing about it all morning with my imaginary girlfriend Tina

   To any of you sick guys out there thinking about catfishing me, I'm terrible at texting back and scared of commitment so please just move along.

   There is no "we" in chocolate.

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....

   Oh $hit....... I think my imaginary girlfriend has been cheating on me with some dude from Notre Dame.

   If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.

   My girl told me that in some cultures women don’t mow the lawn and I told her in some cultures women go to work and earn their own money for shopping. She outside busy mowing the lawn now.

   Katt Williams just got arrested for the Lohanth time.

   I bet guys are getting better at finding the clitoris now that pubes are extinct.

   Why God Created women ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

   It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

   I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.

   Congratulations on graduating community college! Alright let's practice, I'll ask for a fish filet combo with a sprite, now what do you say?