Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.

   My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel

   My imaginary friend is dating Manti Teo's ex-imaginary-girlfriend.

   As far as I'm concerned, it was false advertising. When I transferred funds to the seller, I had no idea that I was buying a dog, not a candy factory. Chocolate Lab indeed....

   I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...

   this bottle of scotch will mix well with this evening's decisions

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.

   I see where the TSA is removing all the X-Ray scanners from airports. And jsut as soon as they remove the TSA, I'll start flying again!

   likes to start every first date by saying "If this goes well, we might have a baby in 9 months".

   The fact that no one understands you does not mean you are an artist...

   I just spent 5 minutes on a dating website and now I need a shower...

   I always treat restaurant staff with the utmost respect because they are people trying to make a living like the rest of us. Also, because I prefer my soup without spit or urine in it.