Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.

   Just deleted a guy off my friend list for posting the status "I hate Macaroni and cheese" That's right. I'm not taking crap from anyone today!

   Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet

   I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"

   does anyone wanna break my no sex record?!

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   I hate it when my girlfriend calls her period "that time of the month", I like to call it "blow job week"

   A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

   Does this joke format make MY ASS look big?

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...

   I've recently purchased a hand held blow horn to use on drivers who text and drive. So far I have converted four drivers into pedestrians who now walk an text.

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   Are we supposed to poop 15 or 20 times a day? Just checking to see if I'm normal....

   if you're upset about not getting a valentine, then you're probably on your period...