Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I learned from Gilligan's Island: You can go camping for five years wearing a pair of white pants and they will still look brand new.

   If my call is that important to them, why do I have to listen to Air Supply for 20 minutes before they answer?

   I support full facial nudity.

   If somebody has a 50 gallon barrel for rainwater please PM me, but I'm not going to pick it up because I don't need it.

   I had a dream that I got a job with Lynyrd Skynyrd, and then I woke up. I didn't even make it to my first live show.

   it me, or does Mike Lindell look like Paul Bearer from WWE?

   I spend 90% of my time online waiting for password reset emails

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.

   Are the double maskers going to start yelling at the single maskers?

   Bacon is the highest it’s ever been, car dealerships have no new vehicles, 200,000 houses are now 450,000 and grocery store shelves are empty half the time. Things are going so well right now. Thanks, Joe.

   “Buy a man eat fish, the day, teach man, to life time.” ~ Joe Biden

   Remember when we treated the flu with chicken soup, saltines and tea instead of commmunism?

   We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.

   These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.

   Getting shot is my 2nd amendment right.

   The closest I've ever come to eating better is eating butter.

   I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

   Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

   Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.