Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pizza delivery is no reason to put pants on.

   She charged me an extra $15 disappointment fee.

   Beer is good, but beers are better.

   Tell me everything, so I can secretly judge you. - most people

   You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.

   seriously people, we all have smart phones. Stop with the weather updates on FB...

   In Dumb People News: 3 Dudes tried to rob a Redbox last night for the Money inside of it..

   One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...

   all you ladies look better after some beertox...

   Hey Cougars, FYI: drunk h0rny guys will go home with anyone. You're actually not that special.

   It is so cold, when I came to work this morning I saw a hitchiker holding up a photograph of his thumb.

   Men usually have a name for their "man parts". I guess I will call mine "Vinny and Da Two Yutes" :)

   FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old..

   Friend asks me "Why do you carry a gun?" I reply "because a cop is too damn heavy to carry"

   Its so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from frezzing.

   Hey! Just because I'm a jerk to your face, doesn't mean I don't talk sweet about you behind your back!

   Happy Hump Day means zip to the 15% who work weekends, the 30% who do six days a week, 8% unemployed, 10% disabled, 15% on call, and the 20% who are retired. To the 2% that this actually applies to....bl0w me.

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.