Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.

   Leave it to a collection of random motherf uckers I've never met to make me feel less like shi t, I love you guys

   Can't Brad and Angelina just adopt North Korea?

   anybody else worried about this North Korea threat. I've been nuked in "Empires and Allies" and that didn't turn out so well. This might be worse...

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   Please stop suggesting that we should work out. We don't tell you to go back to school and take 1st grade spelling.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   ME … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

   On a positive note..... North Korea can only reach the west coast, nobody cares about them anyways.

   Groupie: Hi. My name's Candi. I'm not a groupie. I'm a friend of the band. Band guy: Wanna $crew? "Friend Of The Band": Okay.

   The gym manager just gave me a dirty look....Apparently, reverse cowgirl is not an appropriate way to ride the exercise bike.

   I haven't been this bored since Everlast told me his life story.

   Guys, don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. Also, if you don't give her attention someone else will. It's really simple.

   Its cold enough to chip a nipple...

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   I don't understand why they're making such a big deal over the Tesco burgers..... Seriously, how many times have you said I'm so hungry I could eat a horse????

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.

   Just deleted a guy off my friend list for posting the status "I hate Macaroni and cheese" That's right. I'm not taking crap from anyone today!

   Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet

   I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...