Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   I'm convinced any man who introduces themselves with 'Uncle' before their name is a child molester.

   I think I just had a wardrobe malfunction................................

   If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka

   I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club

   Why are hoes like "Oh, its winter, I need a boyfriend to keep me warm"?.... No b**tch, buy a coat.

   WHY do men cheat? Seriously... One woman is expensive enough!

   the facebook app...its like combining ESPN with Weather Channel & some occasional drama

   freely admits that I don't know how to play Minesweeper - I just click random boxes hoping I'm right.

   If I could play golf with any celebrity, it would be Stephen Hawking. I would win by a landslide, assuming he doesn't play with a handicap.

   There is a photo of Obama circulating around FB showing how much he's grayed over the past 4 years since becoming president.. It's hard to believe that one man could age so much worrying about his next round of golf.

   There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.

   I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on

   If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

   I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

   Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

   We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

   last night the ghost of Gloria gaynor oke me from my sleep.....at first I was afraid I was petrified