Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.

   "Well, she told me to fist her" - Chris Brown

   For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?

   My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

   People really misunderstand me.....I mean, I’m a simple girl, really. I enjoy long romantic walks (to the liquor store)...quiet conversations (with my bail bondsman)....that secure feeling (that only an ankle monitoring bracelet can bring)...

   There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same

   Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it. :p

   A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

   Women will get botox, wax their legs, pierce their nipples and clit, pluck their eyebrows...but they won't do anal because THAT hurts?

   you don't know what you don't know until you know what you didn't know...you know?

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   I found that my power went out briefly while I was sleeping, So I woke and my coffee was NOT ready and waiting for me. What an utterly horrible way to start the day. I had to wait five minutes, FIVE MINUTES! for my coffee. I feel like a caveman.

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don't even do anything about it.

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!