Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Welcome to San Francisco, where the weather is nice and the people are gay!

   I got a pet wussy. LIKE if you read that wrong.

   Extreme couponers are just hoarders in disguise

   I wish ovens had a pizza button just like the microwave has a popcorn button

   So he's not lame? I think you're both lame!

   If Dane Cook is lame, why do you follow him on Twitter?

   Dan Marino's Love Child: There were no DNA tests. This came about when the mom saw the kid throw her bottle across the room in a perfect spiral hitting her dead center in the face every time.

   If you can't sleep try counting scary sounds your house is making.

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   prison ain't called the pokey for nothin you know

   i once "accidently" dropped a paper cup full of dish washing detergent into the fountain at a botanical garden... quite interesting watching the outcome

   I think I had too much to think :-(

   Welcome to Fart Club, it stinks in here, this was a bad decision for a club.

   Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?

   Women need to be complimented so much it's like they're asking us to lie.

   I am woman. Hear me ignore.

   If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we'll never know.

   I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

   The existence of the 'snooze' button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.