Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have no problem with a little junk in the trunk.... as long as there is no junk in the front!

   There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....

   i don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits, so I'm not an alcoholic I'm spirtual

   can't think of anytime to put as a status right now. If you could write my status for me, what would you put?

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   The Postal Service should have Lance Armstrong deliver Saturdays mail for free....

   I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.

   Today, I heard on the radio that Lucasfilm was working on a movie featuring Yoda. Can you imagine writing 90 minutes of dialog for Yoda? Insane the writers will be going.

   Hey,,, I used to play bass for "50 cent" when he was known as "two dimes and a nickle"

   Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials bause I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.

   STD = She's That Dirty

   Looks like Chris Brown faked his community service. Guess he's trying to beat the system too.

   Why can't we just have Shark Month and Black History Week?

   I don't steal my p osts from song lyrics! Seriously. Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

   Jesus, Alicia Keys! Are you just going to stand there singing about it, or are you going to help the poor girl?!? GET A BUCKET OF WATER THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!

   Throw a boomerang so far you forget about it, years later it hits you in the head at a fancy dinner party.

   I'm not redneck enough to bang a cousin, but I'm redneck enough to have thought about it.

   Girls, holding in your farts has got to be an even more nerve wrecking dilemma when your man is spooning you right?

   My hair looks like I've had rigorous sex, but in reality I lost my brush a week ago.