Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.

   Women sleeping in Bras... Nice try Hollywood.

   The only reason I've made it this far in life is because I have the Hyrule Field theme song from Zelda playing on repeat inside my head.

   I don't have issues... I have an entire subcription... jest sayin

   Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.

   May the groundhog perish in the 2013 Nor'easter!

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

   F.Y.I.: FaceBook will be closed February 29, 30 and 31st. Please make a note of it.

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her.

   First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

   Almost as offensive as priests molesting kids, is that parents still leave their kids alone with priests.

   The aliens have never invaded cos every time they visit they only ever encounter redneck Americans. So they’re waiting for us to evolve.

   Now that my daughter's almost a toddler, when can I expect her baby toes to fall off and be replaced by adult ones?

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.