Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just blocked someone for having the same name as my ex.. That's normal, right guys?

   i have a really good feeling this is all just going to be rain!

   any sorority houses out there need me to deliver pizzas, clean the pool, fix the plumbing, etc???

   I think the National Weather Service is a front for the National Grocery Association

   At least my computer goes down on me

   When you're driving, and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the same time, there's no choice other than to drive off a cliff.

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   Hey idiots always telling everyone about your going to the gym; nobody cares that you go to the gym. NOBODY!

   What's up these Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials promoting cannibalism?

   In honor of Black History Month... I plan to leave my kids and quit my job.

   I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.

   stairs are always up to something...

   If you can read this, you're not having sex either.

   if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, then have we found the perfect location for a nickelback concert

   I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.

   My girlfriend said I treat her like she doesn't exist so I told her I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.

   New study finds sex with condoms just as satisfying as without. Had Kanye West known this…

   Lady Gaga wants her perfume to smell like blood & semen. If I wanna smell blood & semen I’ll punch Clay Aiken in the mouth!

   The search for Friday night is followed much too quickly by the discovery of Monday morning.

   Awake √ breathing √ blessed √ Thankful √. God is good