Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Every time I see birds walking I'm like "YOU CAN FLY WHY ARE YOU WALKING" and then I run them over.

   How can I trust you when you keep trying to run away every time I untie you.

   Yo, be careful saying "elephant in the room", I'm from Africa and that just scared the s h I t out of me.

   If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, "You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things."... I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   Every time I cough, the dog thinks I'm barking at him.

   If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

   One look at Megan Fox, and you know God is a man

   Don't ask me to respect your religion when you can't give me the same respect for not believing in yours.

   I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lays.

   I started my new abs workout tonight. I did 25 crunches while sitting on the toilet. I gotta cut back on the cheese. Oh yeahhh, feel the burn... ツ

   I just walked up to a guuy with an eye patch and asked him was it really fun and games at that point

   I hate making phone calls so much I'd probably skip my one and just stay in jail.

   Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.

   Want to hate any song in less than ten seconds? Just set it as your alarm for 5:30 in the morning.

   I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.