Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, tomorrows the day I get my job as a waiter again so I can slip fake engagement rings in every woman's drink just to watch the horror on all the guys faces.

   I'm going to decorate a valentines box and take it to work tomorrow. I'm not going to answer anyone's questions until they give me a valentine...

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's slutty lingerie and saturated fats involved.

   i'm prepping for Valentines day by eating a ton of Fiber.

   Oh nooo just had a terrible dream where I was buying roses and chocolates for my Valentines's date. Thanks God it was just a dream!!!

   Just sprayed the new Febreeze "Carnival Cruise" air fragrance throughout the home. Now the whole place smells like sh*t..

   two types of woman out there on valentines day...those who just want a hallmark card...and those who want you to max out your visa card...

   When I hear someone say "Valentimes" I wanna punch them in the throat.....it's an N for No wonder you're alone

   Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

   Being Single on Valentine's Day just reminds how pathetic some people are, and how awesome I still am for Being Single on Valentine's Day."

   Facebook has added a new feature. It's called "Log Out." Why don't you try it and take your negabot attitude with you.

   new weight loss plan: eating pasta and then antipasta.

   Cruelty is contagious in uncivilized communities.

   Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.

   I'm one excuse away from calling you.

   For lent I'm giving up my valentine ;-)

   I haven't got a Twitter account yet, so I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far - but I think two are cops...

   Does Chris Dorner celebrate Ash Wednesday?

   When we grow old and become mature enough to live happily, we die.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.