Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Facebook because I can't afford gas for my car anymore so it's the only way I can visit with anyone now.

   I'm not "sitting alone at the bar," I'm a happy hour "first responder."

   Hey, just wanted to point out that Nemo is Omen backwards. I'm sure it's fine......

   I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.

   My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

   Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their girl parts.

   98% of my old High School friends here on Facebook used Math tutors to excel in class. The other 13% used me......

   Dear Northern Liberal tree huggers.......Winter Storm Nemo says FU and your global warming!!!

   Dear Windshield Wipers, "Can't Touch This!!" ... Sincerely, The Little Triangle

   Facebooking is like drugs; It can cause illusions, delusions, silly courage, strength, and power.

   it's probably too late for booze in my coffee so I'm just going with booze...

   Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We've been lookin for you since Monday!

   surprisingly, saying “Girl, you look good, won't you back that thang up, You'se a fine motherlover, won't you back that thang up” has not gotten me as much tail as you might think…

   Next time a fella says he wants to fight you just be like "Not in that outfit" and roller skate away.

   Blizzard Survival Tip: If anyone in your household makes a "global warming" reference, throw them outside. It's the only way they'll learn.....

   Some people carb load, I caffiene load, which is just a gateway load leading to tequila loading.

   goes to strip clubs for the wings, used to read playboy for the articles and checks out your pictures because you have great taste in clothes.

   One thing I envy about women is never having to clean pee off the toilet seat.

   had an affair with a teacher once. Made sweet music in the band room, poetry during English class and you don't even want to know what we did in the multipurpose room.

   If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on