Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear Justin Bieber wants Black Keys’ Patrick Carney roughed up. I wonder how much she is paying for someone to do it for her.

   I think they should make Sarah Palin the new Pope. Cause she can see heaven from her back yard!

   At one point in their life 95% of women will have intelligent DNA. Unfortunately most will spit it out.

   Just realised why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.

   If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and I just took the biggest vowel movement ever.

   How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

   If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.

   Valentines Day, Aint nobody got time for that!

   Wow took Rubio 13sec into his speech before he attacked Prez Obama and his failed

   Just saw somebody in the third row pull out their flip phone at the State of the Union address. You know we are in trouble.

   Take no prisoners...Christopher Dorner you are going down!!!

   I'm playing a key role in making ironing extinct.

   Wondering if I should watch Obama's State of the Confusion Address tonight.. More talk that never changes anything..

   I wonder if Chris Dorner feels like he is jason Bourne

   The Pope just wanted to prove he was a good Catholic by pulling out before finishing the job.

   I am taking a second job as a Bounty hunter.. Well, I'm actually just looking for some paper towels in walmart.. Same difference..

   Go up to random fat chicks and tell them that they didn't need to take Fat Tuesday literally.

   Want to make a good first impression on a guy? Ask questions about him, seem interested, listen, giggle and swallow.

   A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."