Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just sprayed the new Febreeze "Carnival Cruise" air fragrance throughout the home. Now the whole place smells like sh*t..

   two types of woman out there on valentines day...those who just want a hallmark card...and those who want you to max out your visa card...

   When I hear someone say "Valentimes" I wanna punch them in the throat.....it's an N for No wonder you're alone

   Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

   Being Single on Valentine's Day just reminds how pathetic some people are, and how awesome I still am for Being Single on Valentine's Day."

   Facebook has added a new feature. It's called "Log Out." Why don't you try it and take your negabot attitude with you.

   new weight loss plan: eating pasta and then antipasta.

   Cruelty is contagious in uncivilized communities.

   Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.

   I'm one excuse away from calling you.

   For lent I'm giving up my valentine ;-)

   I haven't got a Twitter account yet, so I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far - but I think two are cops...

   Does Chris Dorner celebrate Ash Wednesday?

   When we grow old and become mature enough to live happily, we die.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

   I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.

   I get a lot of, "Sir, if you're not gonna buy anything, you're gonna have to leave," as I creepily linger at Victoria's Secret for 2 hours.

   Rap is like scissors, it always loses to rock.

   On Facebook, One man's trash is another man's steady source of naked pictures.

   Can I just get a degree based on how many song lyrics I know?