Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call Of Duty will really have a guy thinking about joining the army. Then you realize how many times you died...

   I can't wait to run out of stuff to say so I can just re-release all my status updates in acoustic version.

   HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It's the year of the snake !!! I'm still keep accidently writing Dragon on all my checks.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."

   My Facebook device received a phone call today........ Weird

   Wouldn't it be so disappointing if we ever come into contact with aliens, and we ask them about the mysteriousness & complexity of crop circles and they're like "Dude, we just really hate corn."

   I'm gonna build a snowman just so I can punch it in the face.

   dude, if you were the best, there wouldn't be a guy after you...

   There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: "ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.

   Tried on the new Magnum condom today....The Damn thing looked like a tube sock hanging off a door knob!

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   knew he had a serious skittles addiction when he saw a rainbow every time he used the bathroom.

   it's winter, and it snowed. Enough said!

   What's with this latest trend of using a picture of your child as a profile pic? Makes it seem as though 65% of my friends are under three years old.

   Me: Do you know me? Sales Person: Mitch, I believe Me:I prefer Magneto.

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!