Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I make a woman feel special using vulgarity and another man politely makes her feel like a piece of shi t, then who is the real gentleman?

   I don't mean to be a stereotype, but like most women, I love shoplifting.

   I don't wait well.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   If death is anything like sleep, sign me up.

   Does God love poor people more than rich people? to put it differently, Does God love lazy ass bums more than hardworking folks?

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!

   I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

   Take an Aeropostale hoodie, soak it in Coors Light, & rub it on your face for 2 hours at a petting zoo. That’s a Dave Matthews Band concert.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   Usually hates it when people post pictures of their lunch on Facebook, but my Asian friends picture of his puppy was just too cute.

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   Oscar Pistorius is probably kicking himself in the @$$ right about now.

   All this meteor-related violence clearly stems from our cultural obsession with shoot-'em-up video games like ASTEROIDS.

   Rihanna likes her beer like she likes her violence, domestic!

   Carnival Cruise's final failure: not having Planet Of The Apes actors on the dock to greet passengers.