Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

   Since they can't seem to find any fragments from the meteor, anybody else thinking it was Wonder woman drinking and driving again?

   I don't see what the big deal is with the Harlem shake. That's how I Boogie on a regular basis music or not. My GF says I have moves like Elaine whatever that means. So I must be really, really good :p Don't be Jelly

   Every time I give up something for Lent... my friends encourage me to break it... When I give up alcohol, they buy me drinks... when I give up sweets, they bring me candy... so this year I am giving up sleeping with women...

   Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".

   South Korea's got Seoul.

   It must suck to be Spanish speaking person who doesn’t understand the English phrase “If you’d like to continue in Spanish…”

   Real friendship is lending your Facebook so they can stalk their ex.

   I can't really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man!

   I don't sweat...Sweating is for people who do something.

   Love and appreciate the effort, but we have to try harder,,, we are funnier than this.

   In Mother Russia, we don't shoot for the stars, the stars shoot for us

   you know your fat when, you order Taco Bell and you still have ice in you're McDonald's cup.

   Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, a feather off a hawk and the blood of a unicorn.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common?....In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time...

   I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   “I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   Ok, when are Mayans going to claim responsibility for the Meteorite attack on Russia?

   You have no legs and you're dating a super model and you kill her....on VALENTINES?! Good god, some people just don't know what they have do they?