Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.

   I'm one excuse away from calling you.

   For lent I'm giving up my valentine ;-)

   I haven't got a Twitter account yet, so I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far - but I think two are cops...

   Does Chris Dorner celebrate Ash Wednesday?

   When we grow old and become mature enough to live happily, we die.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

   I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.

   I get a lot of, "Sir, if you're not gonna buy anything, you're gonna have to leave," as I creepily linger at Victoria's Secret for 2 hours.

   Rap is like scissors, it always loses to rock.

   On Facebook, One man's trash is another man's steady source of naked pictures.

   Can I just get a degree based on how many song lyrics I know?

   At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I'm not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   Some women scream when they try clothes on in fitting rooms, but that's probably because they weren't expecting to see me in there.

   I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

   You mean we can log off? Wait, what? You're kidding.

   My wife asked me to take her out on Valentines Day, I did & now I’m headed to prison.

   DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.

   Peeing after holding it in for over an hour is one of the best feelings that isn't taxed or illegal..