Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember the old days? When you use to be able to throw a hooker out of a moving car, and they'd charge her with littering.

   this status has been formatted to fit your screen

   Everybody's got their own alcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience

   people who think their state is the only one with crazy weather also think New York is nothing but concrete and buildings...

   In deference to any Chinese hackers who may looking at my posts: for the remainder of the evening, I will be using ROR (Raff out Roud) instead of LOL for your convenience. You’re welcome.

   The internet: where everything is cats and God forbid you make a grammatical error.

   every time I see a Buick, I look to see if it's Shaq, but it always some old white guy...

   Next time someone tells you "Anything is Possible", tell them to go slam a revolving door...

   Drew Peterson will learn for 38 years that men's prison is a lot like Facebook... if someone really likes him, they'll poke him a lot.

   GF: I wish you'd talk to me more about how you feel about the future. Me: I feel like wings and beers tonight...

   I appreciate that Motel 6 will leave the light on for me, cuz otherwise, I'm certain I'd end-up decomposing in their water tank....

   The Salvation Army is sponsoring a race car this year. It's a 1992 Chevy Lumina...

   Murphy's Law 2013: The McDonald's is always on the opposite side of the street from the direction in which you're travelling.

   Even the Fonz couldn't look cool chasing a ping pong ball.

   Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.

   when I become CEO of Subway emploees will no longer be called sandwich artists the will be sub humans

   Relax. You’re not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; we’re boozers, boozers go to parties.

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."

   LeBron as good as Jordan?! Ha! Call me when LeBron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.