Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   a woman is driving one day and accidentally rear ends the car in front of her. when the other driver gets out she discovers he is a midget. he is clearly upset and says "i'm not happy". she replies "then which one are you?

   When I was kid they had a cure for ADHD... It was called a Good @ss Whoopin.

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   Alberto Morales found out the hard way that you, "Don't mess with Texas!"

   I know you didn't intentionally send me all those game requests, much in the same way I didn't intentionally b@sh in your $kull for sending them.

   A woman's broken heart can be glued together with molten chocolate.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"

   If I make a woman feel special using vulgarity and another man politely makes her feel like a piece of shi t, then who is the real gentleman?

   I don't mean to be a stereotype, but like most women, I love shoplifting.

   I don't wait well.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   If death is anything like sleep, sign me up.

   Does God love poor people more than rich people? to put it differently, Does God love lazy ass bums more than hardworking folks?

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!