Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   clearly, it is wrong to describe woman's menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.

   I never knew the IRS had a swat team.

   Mad Facebook gets a multi billion dollar tax break

   I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.

   Happy President's day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.

   Dear exes- please try to maintain yourself decently so that I'm not embarrassed when people ask if we dated. I will Deny You

   it me or does Don Imus look like a muppet/dc follies character?

   Not sure what the big deal is with Danica Patrick. Like we have never seen a woman on the pole before.

   Anyone else hates when they see the word *sigh* rewritten in any Status/IM/Email/ Text whatever?

   I met a girl who told me she was a hopeless romantic. I don't want to be with her if she's hopeless.

   I am too funny I just don't know how to describe it in writing but if you doubt me you are free to come over to my house tonight & see... You can also carry a good comedy with you just in case.

   I'm trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram so I'm not going to eat anymore.

   Mindy Mccready committed suicide, your move Justin Beiber!

   To this day I still get freaked out by the Swedish Chef's hands

   I need to scratch my balls but can't find my wife's purse...

   I don't always poop in a bag but when I do I prefer Carnival!

   Nothing makes a roaring fire cozier than sitting on the neighbor's front lawn under an emergency blanket.

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   The most used sexual position for married couples is DOGGY STYLE. The husband sits and begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead!

   Okay, so maybe practicing hypnotism in front of the mirror wasn't the smartest idea..