Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m totally gonna ask this lady breast feeding her baby, for a little squirt for my coffee.

   Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   Guys, don't hit your woman! Bottle that $hit up inside like a real man!!

   a woman a day keeps the hand away

   Its just one of those days, there is a party in my pants and I wasnt even invited.

   Weatherman are a little too excited to finally be right about predicting this big storm. You're still at 1% accuracy guys. Calm the $&#% down...

   Why can't I be like the other guys that I know, and just be happy with an ugiy f@t girl?

   It's the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence...And silence is not a punishment, at times it was a gift...

   If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you!"- women

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.