Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at breakfast this morning, my girlfriend ordered toast instead of biscuits and gravy. I don’t see this working out…

   I hope the actresses who takes the Oscar home tonight will be wearing a bullet proof vest & does not intend to use the bathroom at night, we are not ready for a sequel yet.

   Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?

   You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?

   Taylor Swift and John Mayer probably broke up because her body was NOT a wonderland…

   When a skinny girl always says "I'm fat" do you ever feel like saying you're skinny and you know it but your insecurity is not attractive so a fat girl with confidence makes you look unappealing, so start eating!!

   The fact that Danica Patrick finished 8th, and is the most talked about driver in the Daytona 500 proves that no one actually cares about this silly non-sport.

   Thinks some of the crowd left Daytona with skid marks in their pants

   Just got news Danica Patrick was beaten by 7 men today in Daytona

   I just watched 5min of The Daytona 500 and 3 of my teeth just fell out!

   I am really surprised that there are not more women race car drivers! Women drive all over town like race car drivers!

   Accidentally bought Nascar Oreos...Now I feel like White Trash

   Poor people never, or hardly ever, ask for an explanation of all they have to put up with. They hate one another, and content themselves with that.

   I guess there's some kind of driving contest going on in Florida...

   What ship has never docked in Liverpool???? The premiership :) :) :)) :) :))) :)

   Danica Patrick's dad is probably the first father in history that's happy to see his daughter on the pole.

   I kinda miss theysayimspecial... He reminded me how much I hate to slam my finger in doors! A

   I'm sorry... But I would kick that Waldo's ass in Hide and Go Seek!

   Cat + Laser = Loss of bladder control

   What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.