Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.

   I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.

   I can't get a job ...because I don't have any experience! How will I ever get experience if no one gives me a chance!

   But Officer,,,, I was in the Gifted & Talented program, and I need to move at my own pace.

   The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(

   Give a man a fish, And he'll eat for a day,,, turn a man into a fish, and I have NO IDEA I DIDNT EXPECT THAT TO WORK, KEEP SWIMMING GEORGE!! HOLD ON!?

   It's a man's job to respect a woman. But, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect...

   I heard some people talking sh*t about you, they were saying you loved c*ck sandwiches, but I stuck up for you. I told them you don't even like sandwiches.

   I asked Janet if she would hand me a cold bottle of water from the frig. she look and said the only thing cold is the Bud. That's ok I said same thing...

   Probably the worst thing than getting a wedgie from a school bully, was having him pull you're pants down in front of a girl you like.

   What’s with this “name an animal that doesn’t have an “A” in it? It's harder than you think!” How about effing Dog?? Seriously…

   Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??

   Not sure which is worse: A dry hand job or turkey bacon...

   if your fiancée loses 30 lbs to get married, they’ll put 60 back on…

   You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old.

   I've been telling jokes about distance but I think this time I've gone too far.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 68 (Deep within my Command Bunker): Finally received a TV signal. The only channel I could get was "E" network. Kim Kardasian is knocked up!! The "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" begins!! Well played Mayans, well played!!

   At the Karma Cafe, there are no menus. You get served what you deserve.