Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   Because the military is land of the free home of there brave, and pride month is a man that talks like a fairy and wears a man bun and probably paints his nails. Just sayin'

   Anyone else find it funny that during Pride Month, So many people said "why does the military only get one day" but I have not heard Anyone say it today

   Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Brace yourselves. Here come all the imbeciles to remind us that Veterans Day is for the living and Memorial Day is for the deceased.

   I'd rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.

   Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

   My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake and a hug as a greeting instead of the whole a$$ sniffing thing.

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue

   If there's someone to blame all your failures on, it might as well be Big Bird.

   My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   Haha I can see it now "pot stamps" for people that can't afford to buy their pot.

   When you get to be my age, older women interested in younger men are no longer classified as Cougars. Especially in my case. They're more like Laughing Hyenas.

   Irony: Justin Bieber starts selling weed and rapping. That still doesn't make his music worth listening to.