Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

   Depression is the new religion.

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   My soulmate is probably selling her body for narcotics as we speak.

   Had a nightmare that I was married.

   The only thing more annoying than working for a living is people.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   I'm calling an emergency meeting between my eyes and your boobs.

   Some people are in a long distance relationship with common sense.

   Rihanna filed a restraining order against a man for breaking into her house. I assume when all of this blows over she'll make him a key.

   Pope Benedict just changed his relationship status with the Vatican to "It's complicated".

   I got 99 problems, and "Honey Boo Boo" tops the list!!!

   I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

   You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What should you do? ... Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

   90% of the time I drop my IPhone because I wanna see a picture horizontal.

   In life its only a thief who genuinely wishes you to prosper and succeed.

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out...