Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

   The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar.

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   Just finished building Rome with Lego. Took me a day.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   The phrase "This sh*t is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.

   I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Jesus, take the wheel. My beer just rolled under the seat..

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste!

   My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body.

   If it bleeds, we can kill it.