Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!

   Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   It’s always difficult to maintain that air of manliness when it comes to the ‘sucking her nipples' part

   “ea” 69 for midgets?

   The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting final notices and threatening calls from debt collectors.

   Sex with my girlfriend is like the fast and furious I'm fast and she is furious.

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   RIP: Bonnie Franklin. Muddle up to heaven one cloud at a time.

   you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.

   okay...so Harlem Shake is not a rich Arab!!!

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   Hugh Hefner would make a great Pope.

   I wanna be with a woman who’s stupid enough to never leave me.

   If I had a mood ring on today, it'd be flashing like a disco ball..!

   Thanks for ruining real honey for all of us, Boo Boo idiots.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.