Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your middle name is Lee, you probaby have an arrest record.

   Facebook: A place where someone will send you endless invites to play games, but won't invite you to their party.

   I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!

   if you have a problem with me, call me and we can talk, if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me...

   yo' mama is so fat that when she walked infront of the TV last Saturday night, we missed the entire third period of the hockey game.

   i used to live in a place where the walls were so thin that when my neighbors peeled onions I was crying next door.

   You should know you'll get loud while drinking. It says it right there on the bottle: "alcohol by volume".

   If you watch Honey Boo Boo and enjoy it....please seek the help that you need...

   I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies

   Your brain is an amzing organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from before birth, right up until you post a status message on facebook.

   if Sonic can start their happy hour at 2pm, so can I!!

   Everyone knows the Jedi "Mind meld" is illegal in all 57 states.

   Obama must be out of his Vulcan mind using the term "Jedi mild meld." Who doesn't know the difference between the Vulcan mind meld and Jedi mind trick?

   Sequester Apocalypse? I don't even see any dead road kill on my morning drive to work. I want a refund.

   Tampa area man swallowed by sinkhole. Yep....that's where my ex-lives now....go figure...she got another sucker.

   I just got mood poisoning from work

   I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.