Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm me. I like me. It took me a while to realize it, but I have no other choice. I'm stuck with myself.

   Don't forget comic relief this year. Just R50 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and a girlfriend.

   If you have to SNEAK to do it, LIE to cover it up, or DELETE it to avoid it being seen then maybe you SHOULDN'T be doing it anyway.

   I am so old I still have stuff written MADE IN USA.

   Some nights... When I can't sleep.. I stay up and ponder life's greatest unanswered questions... Like: How long it would take a giraffe to throw up. So I did some digging, and apparently, it is a leading cause of Giraffe death... And now I'm sad. :(

   It's not about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean... I've never seen small ships make big waves!!! Just sayin'......

   News break the waking dead is on, so I will update everyone every commercial break-Get a life

   How exciting a threesome!!!! Time to give my pillows some head,my sheets some booty,and my bed is about to get laid.

   Just pulled on a nose hair super hard & one of my pubes disappeared.

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???

   Doctor's have crappy jobs. If they save someone, God gets credit, if they don't they get sued.

   Let government take care of the weak, the strong can take care of themselves.

   My ex called me today. I answered by screaming "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" and hung up. That should make her wonder a little bit...

   When you go back to the scene of the drinking crime, somehow it all looks different in daylight.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Ethopia the next day or something.

   Therapists should just buy a bunch of baby pandas & be like to their patients "Are you depressed? Well here's a baby panda." Problem solved.

   I'm concerned with the fate of our nation, but not "Face the Nation" concerned.

   ok, which one of you ladies gave me your hangover...

   I'm so bored right now, I've actually started paying my bills as a way to entertain myself.