Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only you guys were as good as telling jokes as you were at trashing our country's President.

   if you go through life with your head in the sand all people will see is an ass!

   I am the Donald Trump of poor people.

   First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Lost him in the dryer. Do you like dachshunds? Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies?

   You're odd and cheap when you smile habitually and for no apparent reason.

   i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it

   Just experienced that rare moment when you flip your hoody up just right and realize that if ever called upon you could wield a light saber and take orders from a little green creature with big ears.....

   Dear Diary: "I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot

   hates when the microwave decides to heat his plate, but not his food.

   no amount of cash is petty

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   . I'm going to start an exercise class that mixes religion into the experience. I'll call it...Pontius Pilates. (insert Dr. Evil pinky in corner of mouth move here)

   Whenever I see a big guy beating up a little guy I ALWAYS jump in to help cause there is NO WAY the little guy can take us both.

   wearing Hugo cologne today like a boss.

   Moving-on is like drinking a cough syrup, it tastes horrible but it's good for you.

   THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS THAT -fools are always so certain of themselves and wiserpeople so full of doubts

   While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at thecovered places.

   I never drink, I only disinfect internal injuries.

   To the douchebag who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel, remember what goes around comes around....

   Be beautiful on the inside.....eat more glitter!!