Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a dog gave birth to puppies near the road can it be cited for littering ?

   i broke 2 mirrors in the same day, so i'm going to assume it's good luck because two negatives make a positive, right?

   Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.

   1.- Open YouTube website 2.-Type "do the Harlem Shake" and click search 3.-Don't click anything just wait and see what happens lol

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty!

   'What would I do without you?' is such a stupid question to ask. Because all I need to do is what I was doing before you came along and complicated my existence.

   Nobody ever lost money overestimating the fatness of Americans.

   I don't like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I'm leaving!

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   I'm me. I like me. It took me a while to realize it, but I have no other choice. I'm stuck with myself.

   Don't forget comic relief this year. Just R50 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and a girlfriend.

   If you have to SNEAK to do it, LIE to cover it up, or DELETE it to avoid it being seen then maybe you SHOULDN'T be doing it anyway.

   I am so old I still have stuff written MADE IN USA.

   Some nights... When I can't sleep.. I stay up and ponder life's greatest unanswered questions... Like: How long it would take a giraffe to throw up. So I did some digging, and apparently, it is a leading cause of Giraffe death... And now I'm sad. :(

   It's not about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean... I've never seen small ships make big waves!!! Just sayin'......

   News break the waking dead is on, so I will update everyone every commercial break-Get a life

   How exciting a threesome!!!! Time to give my pillows some head,my sheets some booty,and my bed is about to get laid.

   Just pulled on a nose hair super hard & one of my pubes disappeared.

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???