Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Common sense" is dead an buried. What we have today is "rare sense".

   I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!

   Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..

   I make people guess the secret ingredients in my brownies.. hallucinating yet?

   Those women who claim to be offended the "C" word, are usually the biggest ones.

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.

   HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...

   I don't care much for tattoos. I prefer to ruin my body the old fashioned way. By weighing 400 lbs. and getting stretch marks that resemble tire tracks.

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...

   I'm not mooing you.. I'm turning the other cheek

   I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

   Asian Kid: "Oww I got stung by a bee!" Asian Dad: "WHY YOU NO GET STUNG BY A!?"