Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever think you're ugly just remember it's because you are.

   Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   I've told you a million times...don't exaggerate.

   Top 4 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs. 4. Skinny jeans

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.

   Top 3 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs.

   Tesco Quarter Pounders: The new affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted !!!!

   Happy International Women's Day :) Now go make me a sandwich, cause it ain't going to make it self. Chop Chop :)

   In Florida where you literally get a grave built-in to your house...

   What is up with all these Government drones? I can't even fly a freaking kite anymore.

   Which child of his is Ron Paul more proud of? Rand or Ru?

   People who throw foreign words into conversations to make themselves appear cultured are küntz

   I heard Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian never really got into high school. Which is not surprising as to why a lot of dudes got into them.

   Busy planning my next big move. Do I lay on couch, or chill in the recliner? I've only got one shot at this, so I gotta make it count.

   Have you ever seen a person who said "We have bigger fish to fry" actually frying a big fish?

   Random Happy Thought Factoid of the day: The Beatles used "love" 613 times in their songs.

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

   Apparently this guy on the street was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude, my bad.

   Pig: (noun) 1. Animal used for converting plants into bacon.

   Laxatives: check the traffic report before taking one.