Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is so silly. I'm looking at her phone and she's been sending all these sweet love messages and sexts to the wrong number as I never got any of them.

   I bet nobody can spell Nietzsche correctly without searching it. D'oh

   If you are my friend on Facebook and you need money, don't ask because I have no money. If you are family, or a friend, may I borrow some money? If you are a female and cute, don't worry, I have lots of money $$$

   Trust in a big government is like give them a lighter, then cover yourself in gasoline.

   Like if you think unemployed poor people are mean, unlike if you think affluent people are vicious.

   As they say in Florida, any day you wake up and you weren't swallowed whole by the earth while you were sleeping is a good day.

   These people who came up with this "B1ng" search engine in hopes to compete with G00gle remind me of that company that came up with the Z une trying to compete with the I Pod.

   Hugo Chavez and that kid Manny on Modern Family look just alike.

   Fillibustering a slice of pizza.

   If only you guys were as good as telling jokes as you were at trashing our country's President.

   if you go through life with your head in the sand all people will see is an ass!

   I am the Donald Trump of poor people.

   First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Lost him in the dryer. Do you like dachshunds? Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies?

   You're odd and cheap when you smile habitually and for no apparent reason.

   i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it

   Just experienced that rare moment when you flip your hoody up just right and realize that if ever called upon you could wield a light saber and take orders from a little green creature with big ears.....

   Dear Diary: "I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot

   hates when the microwave decides to heat his plate, but not his food.

   no amount of cash is petty

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...