Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   FYI - Remember to set your clocks forward an hour this weekend because we can only afford 23 hours a day now due to the sequester......

   North Korea has made good on their threat to send a Nuclear Warhead to the Capitol of the United States !!!!! It was sent via UPS Next Day Air and should arrive by Saturday morning.

   Cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it!

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready. :o\

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.

   I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...

   So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....

   International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…

   Knowing its International Women’s Day is the only thing I know about women.

   I'm so selfish for complaining about being sick with the flu for 5 days now. Just saw Justin Bieber collapsed. Horrifying...

   Oh Yeah we do it on the bed, on the couch, in the bathroom, standing up, and even in the car! Yep We Loooovvveee to Text!:)

   What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   Looks like I got 2 more of those pesky drones last night in the bug whacker.....

   If you ever think you're ugly just remember it's because you are.

   Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   I've told you a million times...don't exaggerate.

   Top 4 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs. 4. Skinny jeans

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.