Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How not to get friend-zoned? - Be a girl.

   Watching Hillbily Venom. A documentary on serpent handling in church in WV. Very nteresting for sure, but not on my bucket list.

   Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want! They don't know my life! They don't know what I've been through!!!

   You know your life is disappointing when you wake up and your first thought is, "Crap, still here."

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.

   When I’m about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I’m worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.

   So if I buy a blow up doll for company coz I feel lonely at home.. Will that make me creepy and gay? Coz gay is fine, I just don't wanna come off as creepy :-/

   I'm not saying my ex wife was crazy but she was jealous of my dog...

   I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

   wow danica patrick just got a rubber in the rear end in vegas on tv!

   My girlfriend just admitted she’s wrong, I just ran to check the calendar to see if we both forgot my birthday.

   I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive.

   When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.

   Dating is like shopping. No one is new off the shelf. We're all in a second-hand store looking for the vintage gem someone else cast aside.

   Those jeans don't make you look fat, They make you look blind.

   I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.

   We haven't lost an hour, we loaned it to the illusion we call "time". "Time" will pay us back in full at 2am on Sun., Nov 3. This is an interest free loan, and means there are no seconds, minutes, or hours assessed.

   You'll never forget the man who whispered sweetly in your ear "Your next poop is gonna be SO easy"

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.