Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some things are better left unfed or ignored.

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea.. I just suck at fishing.

   Do not put a party hat on a cat. They are seldom in a party mood.

   if you meet a single hot girl, turn and run like your balls are on fire!!

   You have to kill some brain cells if you want new ones to grow. It's called cognitive pruning.

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions.

   when a girl posts a bunch of quotes about how strong women are, avoid that s hit like the herp!!!

   I lost respect for my wife when she accused me of lying that time I caught syphilis from a pay phone.

   It's entirely conceivable that the ass I just saw plays a key role in the machinations of the rocking world...

   In-laws are watching the kids tonight. Can't wait to put a load in the dishwasher.

   If you’re gonna use the word ‘horny’, you’d better be attractive. Otherwise, cut that s hit out.

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   When the interviewer asks "Why do you want to work here?" don't answer "you'll find out!" and laugh maniacally

   The amount of time you've spent nagging, you could have blown me AND done the dishes, stupid.

   You claim to have started from the bottom. But you forget to mention you still down there.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   I think KFC should expand their menu to include a 30 piece bucket of original recipe/ extra crispy skin.

   What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.