Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   What doesn't kill you makes you want to go back to him for more.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   Got kicked outta hospital,the 'stroke patients here' means something completely different.....xXx

   My signature sex move is paying upfront.

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

   I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone.

   It's like the uglier a person is, the more pics they wanna post all over their FB wall.

   I would hold your baby, but I'm grossed out because I know where it came from.

   The couch just proposed to my buttocks.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   How not to get friend-zoned? - Be a girl.

   Watching Hillbily Venom. A documentary on serpent handling in church in WV. Very nteresting for sure, but not on my bucket list.

   Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want! They don't know my life! They don't know what I've been through!!!