Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

   Friday - again, voted the favorite work day of the week for 156 years straight! You stay classy, Friday!!

   maybe you're suffering from O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder....Ok, now lets do body shots!

   Hello from the depths of loathing and self-pity festering in the sleep-deprived world of yellow cabs and chain-smoking drunken remorse.

   Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.

   The only exercise some people ever get is: running their mouths, jumping to conclusions & pushing their luck.

   To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"

   I came very close to death today, that's the last time I'm masterbating in a cemetery!

   Just because it's called make-up... doesn't mean it's supposed to makeup 99% of your face.

   Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny.

   says If we have a World Kidney Day, I suppose we should also introduce a World Liver Day

   I don’t follow celebrities on Twitter, so if I am following you its confirmation that you are NOT a celebrity.

   There is a special place on earth for people who recognize that religion is bulls hit.

   Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"

   90% of people who claim to have "come from the bottom" don't realise that they are still stuck at the bottom.

   So, I found out I have O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder.

   there are so many people I would love to tell off... if only I never had to see them again

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   Try saying "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like a drunken Irishman

   Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?