Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings..

   If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

   I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   Bought some Coronas today for St Patrick's day.....Ire mon!!!! Oh wait thats Jamaican......Viva..Las Vegas???..... nevermind,,,, where's the freakin limes??

   Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.

   North Korea is pretty stupid for threating the United States especially when their air force uses 70's era aircraft. United States will kick your ass. It's what we do for fun.

   Actually, my ancestors are from the County just down the road from County Cork. Perhaps you've heard of County Screw Top?

   You know you're addicted to Facebook, when you gauge how long you've napped by finding the last post you remember before falling asleep, and seeing how long it's been posted when you wake up.

   what's Irish and lives on your porch? Paddy O'furniture

   How do you get an Irishman to climb up a roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.

   Taking a Klondike Bar and a condom to the local beauty pagent... I'm eagerly waiting.

   You know you're getting old when you watch a porno and think: "Oh, that bed looks comfortable.".

   misses the days of jumping on the hose at the gas station to make the bell ring. Full service was the best.

   Yes It's true , the weekend is over

   I went to the dentist for a cleaning. After he was done I told him my teeth were still yellow. He said I should wear a brown tie then no one would notice.

   I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

   May the beer rise up to meet you and may your bar tab be picked up by someone else, and may the hangover be far from you. Happy St. Paddy's Day!

   TMZ: Lil Wayne alive, six songs deep into new mix tape.