Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.

   The only exercise some people ever get is: running their mouths, jumping to conclusions & pushing their luck.

   To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"

   I came very close to death today, that's the last time I'm masterbating in a cemetery!

   Just because it's called make-up... doesn't mean it's supposed to makeup 99% of your face.

   Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny.

   says If we have a World Kidney Day, I suppose we should also introduce a World Liver Day

   I don’t follow celebrities on Twitter, so if I am following you its confirmation that you are NOT a celebrity.

   There is a special place on earth for people who recognize that religion is bulls hit.

   Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"

   90% of people who claim to have "come from the bottom" don't realise that they are still stuck at the bottom.

   So, I found out I have O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder.

   there are so many people I would love to tell off... if only I never had to see them again

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   Try saying "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like a drunken Irishman

   Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload the gun instead of shooting into a bullet proof vest.

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

   Santa works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging people. Where can I apply for this job?