Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm too sober for this sh*t

   All new Hell's Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   When are Victoria Secret catalogs going to be scratch n sniff?

   Just read a story in a magazine that a woman is claiming she was raped by an alien.. Big Deal!.. So was Lady Gaga's mother

   you know your getting old when you put your foot up on a cement curb so you can tie your shoe.....and you step on your nuts!

   Seeing Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon do history of Rap, is like seeing Kat Williams and Jay-Z do History of Country!

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.

   I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

   North if she is desperate for attention..

   Papacy - humans praying to another human.

   I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!

   Just woke up with a face full of rice. Must've fallen asleep the moment my head hit the pilau...!

   Selena Gomez made Justin Bieber cry by telling him Tom cruise is taken by another guy.

   A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked

   Yesterday I had the day off, which means that today I feel more useless than the 'g' in Lasagne.

   Scientists are trying to find new ways to deflect asteroids in case one gets close to hitting Earth. My theory is putting a Cubs uniform on the asteroid would render it incapable of hitting anything.

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.