Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn, they met while she was skiing down a mountain of women he just slept with

   Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.

   Revenge is sweet. Sit back, relax and watch their Karma do all the work, than I can say I told you so...

   Today a great American died one who did extensive research in the gag reflex for year, RIP Harry Reems

   I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.

   I'm going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I'm drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.

   Roman Catholic establishment has 1.2billion followers or as I like to call them, sheep.

   did you hear the leading cause of gunshot wounds are bullets?

   For those of you that were wondering about my brackets: [ ] { } [ ] { } and [ ] { }

   What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

   Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour ga y.

   My superpower is being able to remove a bra with one hand...in the dark...drunk.

   Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you.

   My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

   Him: Lil Wayne's in the hospital. Me: WHAT!!!! Him: Do you know who Lil Wayne is? Me: YEAH!!! Him: You're thinking of Lil John. Me: OKAY!!!

   Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.

   "It was good but he spanked me a little too much..." - no woman ever

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.