Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   just about to cook up some Ramen soup and realized I'm out of crackers. I'm cracka lackin!!!

   Funny how countries trash talk the United States but always beg for our help when they are getting their ass whooped.

   I'm tired of Duck Dynasty and their fowl language!

   My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I'm Just Napping

   I am only going to say this once. I want the video involving me, the Cadbury Bunny and the marshmallow Peeps returned to me by tomorrow. No questions asked.

   Got the shivers while peeing.....thank goodness for decorative towels.

   Facebook asks me "Whats on my mind" so I post whats on my mind. If you don't like it, you know where the unfriend and block option is

   Jesus changed your life? My remote's broken.You think you can get him to change the channel?

   Me- I kinda like this girl Girl- Really? Who ???? Me- Ummmmm She kinda looks like you Girl- aww is it me? ;) ♥ Me- No!! Your sister lol

   please let me blow it before you stick it in. (classic nintendo cartridge)

   Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)

   The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.

   I like how ninja turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. It's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig... It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.

   Florida Folks: "♫ ♫ We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons in the sun. ♫ ♫" Up North Folks: "F**k you, Florida."

   March 24. Springtime. Cold, windy, and snow... But this groundhog stew is DELICIOUS!

   The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.