Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you guys in a relationship stop bragging please? Not all of us have a cat.

   I don't care if you are gay or straight, I will do my best to talk you out of getting married equally.

   I save a lot of money on therapy because my childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

   Yo mama is so ugly that she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.

   so, you graduated from the school of hard knocks? Wow, very impressive...can I sleep with you??

   After I do something I compliment myself in my mind using the voices of people I know.

   Ladies, finding a man is easy. Just chill with the insecurities and talk less. Keeping a man is easy too. Learn to cook and scuk his dcik…

   I'm guessing if we see pink smoke, that will mean the justices has reached a decision?

   I saw a fat girl at the gym today. She had an iPad strapped to her arm.

   If I were a spider, I would spice up my résumé by listing myself as a web developer.

   I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?

   anybody else worried about the lack of toilets on the star ship enterprise?

   First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great!

   I am a simple person with a complicated mind.

   The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is going to be born prematurely. Like father, like son.

   People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn't agree.

   Red dawn should make US Citizens realize how the rest of the world feels with their ridiculous unjustifiable attacks!

   You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'

   I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the cactus.

   I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it's two boobs.