Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do blacks only get February but every month is Truck Month??

   March. In like a lion, out like a...hang on...wind chill of 34 degrees here in Orlando right now?....Okay....in like a lion, out like a Honey badger.

   Nissan Titan commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

   Saying I am hard to shop for is admitting that you don't know where the liquor store is.

   New "Shots" Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   tolerance isn't supporting something you agree with, it's supporting something you don't agree with...

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"

   Dollar Store pregnancy tests,,, Cause you gonna be gettin your expired baby food and single ply diapers there after anyway.

   I had my trophy wife stuffed and mounted.

   I'd go to church if they had Wi-Fi.

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   LADIES: If you're at the Fair and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there too. He'll find you immediately.

   GUYS: If you're out at the Youth Fair and you can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately!

   Just bought formula. Babies would be cheaper if they ran on gas!