Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You tell a chick "Hey" and she thinks you're hitting on her. Get over yourself, You look like a lightskin Chris Bosh with a weave on anyway

   I hate arguing through text. I need you to hear the anger and sincerity in my voice when I call you a bi&ch.

   My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively

   if wine is the blood of christ, why make up a song asking fro jesus to take the wheel?....u just asked for a drunk driver

   "baby.......baby......baby...baby..baby.babybabybabybabybabyBAAABBBBYYYYYY!!!!!!!" ~ "My wife...... when someone taps their brakes 2 miles in front of us.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs on.

   American English is essentially English after having been wiped off with a dirty sponge

   Just think,, right now,,, somewhere in China,,, someone is wokking their dog

   Lost another FB friend to employment.

   Partying on my level requires years of traning

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of vodka on the rocks- and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.

   My dog has learned a lot of tricks.... But it's funny, I dont remember him watching me licking my balls.????

   "Just because it's on the Internet doesn't make it true" - Albert Einstein

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it pink it's a girl? Blue it's a psycho?

   may your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it on facebook

   This Jesus guy, no wonder women worship him. How long has it taken his 2nd coming?

   I wish FB would charge to create a profile so there wouldn't be so many dumb ass profiles...

   After sex, I've the same problem as a murderer; what to do with the body.

   GIRLFRIEND: “You're leaving after I gave you the best years of my life?” ME: “If those were your best, then I ain’t sticking around for your worst.”

   I didn't say you are perfect, b!itch, I said you are a perfect b!itch!