Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   What if you just started licking the dentist fingers while they were in your mouth.

   Dental Assistant aka The one who passes things to the dentist

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Makes animal noises whenever someone approaches

   jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   Might name my kid puberty, so everyone can hit puberty

   funny, I see anyone wearing those "LiveStrong" wristbands anymore...

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   having my phone number is like having a direct line to God, But better, because I answer.. .

   FACT; Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea.

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

   Can you guys in a relationship stop bragging please? Not all of us have a cat.

   I don't care if you are gay or straight, I will do my best to talk you out of getting married equally.

   I save a lot of money on therapy because my childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

   Yo mama is so ugly that she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.