Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it blue it's a boy? Pink it's a psycho?

   I wanted to smoke weed with this cute Mexican girl I work with today. But when I asked her if she had papers, she took off sprinting.

   "... okay, if it's a girl, we'll name her Serena Williams but if it's a boy we'll call him, Serena Williams..."

   I hide my por n in a folder named “por n” on my desktop because I refuse to live in fear.

   How do you choke someone without killing them? Asking for a friend.

   If you've ever refused to finish a drink because "it didn't taste good" even though it had alcohol in it I'm not sure we can be friends.

   If I'm ever the defendant in a murder trial, I hope Forest Whitaker is the only eye witness.

   Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f themselves is PRICELESS...!

   Umm...you people who live up north whining about the cold weather umm....you umm live up north.

   I'm for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats my wife is worth.

   More people chose to be religious more from their fear of hell than their love of their faith.

   Good job on the speed traps, cops - How are the murderer traps coming along?

   "I bet you I can get people to buy the shirt from a game they don't even know how to play." -Ralph Lauren

   There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.

   The neighborhood bully fell off his skateboard in front of our house and kids have been ramping their bikes off him all day. I even took a turn.

   Would it be wrong of me to ask my Priest to install Wi-Fi in our Church?

   I'm a little disappointed that the Supreme Court proceedings this week didn't begin with,,,,, "Mawage.. Mawage is wot bwings us togever today."

   I'm so used to the google search bar finshing my thoughts for me I can barely complete a....... Wait what was my point again???

   I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   I got a message from facebook today.. saying my block list has exceeded my friends list. Congratulations this is a first. . .