Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Right to bear arms meant only muskets? Is like saying right to free speech only meant the old English spoken in 1700s....

   I promised my boss i'd come in early for work on monday Aint that a great April fool's prank......

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

   Check out a new church for the first time for Easter Sunday. When the pastor said, "would all the first time visitors please stand up", The whole church stood up with me! (Ö_Ö)

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   walk dead fans. ever notice that the grass out side is never high. so do zombies mow the grass when they are not eating brains. I dont mow my grass for 2 weeks and I cant see out my living room window.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

   Now that Britney Griner's collegiate career is over....do you think he will end up with the Heat and Lebron?

   must of had the laziest Easter Bunny come over to the house. He didn't bother to color or cook any of the eggs...plus he hid them all in my fridge.

   I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   Man that Game of Thrones is a much better fictional novel series than the Bible ever is.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   you know you are great at sex when she tells her friends...and her family....and the police. :|

   Don't worry, US is headed in the same starving its population direction as NKorea. Its only a matter of years all our money will be spent on mindless defence