Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate

   I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you."

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...

   They say listening to Justin Bieber is the gateway drug to taking a w iener in your butt.

   Great!! An attack by North Korea means that we will have to wait 50 years before Samsung gets a chance to sell their new Galaxy S4.

   being single does not always mean you're available

   Justin Bierber's album Believe (Acoustic) is the number one album in America. And we wonder why the rest of the world hate us.

   Took the stairs at work today. Not to be healthy, because the elevator smelled like boiled egg farts...

   Why does Mike Tyson Cry during sex...... MACE LOL

   April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.

   I went to the mall today and the power went out, I was stuck on the escalator for 30 minutes.

   I just f@rted so hard, my bluetooth rattled and my phone gave me directions to 3 area hospitals

   I'm glad I don't work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches.

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   Not only is it April fools day. Did you know today is offially national egg salad lunch day. . .

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.

   April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.

   11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.

   Good News to a Pastor: The Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: The pastor was on vacation.

   I dont have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bulllllshhhiittttts!