Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

   my real name is Yosef Boots. My meat is so small it looks like a clit with a kneecap!

   I don't respect a woman if they have sex on the first date, unless it's with me.

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   It's Friday... Of course it's good : )

   Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.

   It might be Friday ...... BUT.... SUNDAYS COMING!!!!

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" damn line.

   I just scrolled sooo far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace.

   I just had 19 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is awesome!

   Yo Bit&h, Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Never ever give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."

   Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

   You tell a chick "Hey" and she thinks you're hitting on her. Get over yourself, You look like a lightskin Chris Bosh with a weave on anyway

   I hate arguing through text. I need you to hear the anger and sincerity in my voice when I call you a bi&ch.

   My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively

   if wine is the blood of christ, why make up a song asking fro jesus to take the wheel?....u just asked for a drunk driver