Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   walk dead fans. ever notice that the grass out side is never high. so do zombies mow the grass when they are not eating brains. I dont mow my grass for 2 weeks and I cant see out my living room window.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

   Now that Britney Griner's collegiate career is over....do you think he will end up with the Heat and Lebron?

   must of had the laziest Easter Bunny come over to the house. He didn't bother to color or cook any of the eggs...plus he hid them all in my fridge.

   I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   Man that Game of Thrones is a much better fictional novel series than the Bible ever is.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   you know you are great at sex when she tells her friends...and her family....and the police. :|

   Don't worry, US is headed in the same starving its population direction as NKorea. Its only a matter of years all our money will be spent on mindless defence

   All we are saying, is give PEEPS a chance.

   Happy Jesus day aka Easter. +

   Hello 911?,,, I need to report a kidnapping....yeah, there's a baby goat asleep in my lap,,. No, don't send cops,, you'll wake him up

   great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.