Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow....Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean. I'm good.

   Whenever a bird sh*ts on my car, I eat a plate full of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to send out a warning of what I'm capable of!!!

   I burped so hard, I'm hungry again.

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.

   Imagine 15 million people calling each other stupid. That's what it's like to live in Texas.

   You look over-medicated. What's your doctor's name?

   If you can throw a brick, liquor stores are open 24 hours.

   I know,,,, Let's vote the pool water off that new celebrity diving show

   US Marine SGT Michael Cable died in Afganistan today, but yet all I see on the TV is people mourning a drunk hillbilly....

   I hate arrogant people who think no one but themselves.They're like criminals.

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   I'm convinced...you can set up a profile, put up a pic of a t-urd in a skirt and hi heels wearing make-up, and some l0ser on fb will comment..."UR BEAUTIFUL!"

   Rumors are a lot like buttcheeks because once you spread them, someone's a$$ is about to get hurt.

   The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

   Welcome to April! The month when nobody watches "Harlem Shakes Videos" anymore... so, why is the song on the Hot 100 spot of Billboard?

   I hope he buys you flour, I hope he greases your pan.

   I think of my whole day as "puttering around before bed".

   Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, 4 cd's, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   They should have travel agents for poor people who offer affordable weekend getaways to the homes of people who can afford to go on vacation