Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake.

   Doctor: Does insanity run in your family? My friend: Yes, my husband thinks he is the boss. :)

   Throws book at someones face* "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!" "I just Facebooked you" :)

   I would bet you $50 Gary Busey calls his nipples Gary-olas

   Apparently, Kim Jong-un wants to meet Seal Team Six....

   Met Taylor Swift at the airport this morning and complimented her on her dress. Now she's sitting in a tree outside my window in a wedding dress with a guitar..... This can't be good!!!

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".

   Vampires beware!!!! Blade has been released!!!!

   Ummm its not the same when your writing about SCANDAL or any other show when everyone did that days ago on faceboook!

   I don't know if It's considerate or Ironic that McDonald's wraps their hamburgers in toilet paper

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!

   My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"

   I was walking down the road staring at my phone & tripped over a smart car.

   Yeah yeah, I'm a Grammar Nazi. Better than a Dumb Fokker.

   Some of you even make me question my insanity.

   So far I've dropped three ice cubes on the floor today and no idea where they are. Gonna put on some socks so I can find em,

   The best exposure, is indecent.