Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

   Cleaning out the fridge is the most excitement I’ve had in weeks Surprised face, confused, followed by a little gagging

   I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

   Your ignorance may be bliss, but it’s giving the rest of us a headache.

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call it a Porta-Potty and not a Handi-Crapper?

   Only here can a basketball player be hated beyond belief just because he has a different opinion than ours.

   I stubbed my toe on the bedpost that immediately set off my Tourette Syndrome.

   Just got my first shot and going to get another one just as soon as I can get the waitresses attention.

   My sister just texted me that she’s pregnant… I’m gonna be a dad!

   Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

   If you wear two swim suits you can pee in the pool this summer-Dr.Fauchi

   Wife woke up this morning and said she heard running water in her ears... I told her she may have a creek in her neck.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?

   Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

   Wine gets better with age. That’s why it’s always better by the time you pour the fourth glass.

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

   If you’re reading this, un-banana your spine.

   If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.